Crystal's space

Last week was joyous and I'm holding on to that, because it felt really good, but this last week was Hell.  It was bad.  I guess I had a few too many splurges, had a relapse and thought I could eat whatever I wanted as long as it was low carb.  I guess not, because I'm back up over 185 again.  How the Hell is it so hard to stay below 185.  I was down to 181 about a week ago.  Then the numbers crept back up and it's been balooning ever since.  I'm keeping up the battle though.  It's been super hard.  I guess it's because we didn't really have any good food in the house, I kinda pigged out on light carb stuff and it added up, I don't know.  I had a cup of organic oatmeal for breakfast, then some pretzels and dip for a snack, fried eggs right before I went to work, a low carb energy bar to get me through my 4 hours without a break, and then a taco salad at like 10 pm, when I got out of work, and I guess that's what did me in, but, I was absolutely floored when I stepped on the scale and saw that I was back up over 185.  I felt like I could punch somebody.  One late night trip out for a salad is going to make me gain a pound and a half?  Might as well sew my mouth shut.  It got me really angry. It ruined my morning.  My dream pants are a little bit tighter around the waste, but I don't think I look any different, I can't see it in the mirror today, I'm still proud of what I see.  Still proud that my work uniform is hanging off of me a little bit now, but, I've struggled so much to get myself down below 185.  To lose it all because I didn't budget calories well enough feels like a cheat.  I did my best, man.  I needed to eat, I was getting the tingles, my blood sugar or possibly my iron was low, I needed to get something into my system.  Steak and Shake was right around the corner.  Maybe it was the tiny thimble of gatorade I drank over at my friends house to quench my thirst that put me over.  I just should have said no.  It just drives me crazy.  I don't feel I deserve it.  I'm dyin' to see the day when I see 169 on that scale.  I'm almost itchin' to do one of those crazy crash diet things or toxin flush, just to ensure that I will never see 185 again, until I'm pregnant.  I hate 185, I loath 185.  185 is my mortal enemy.  185 separates me from being skinny.  I watch biggest loser and they keep dropping and dropping and dropping, they don't keep coming back to the same mnumber.  I've been dealing with 185 for the last year now.  I'm through with it.  I want it gone.  I know I'll see the day, but it just bugs the hell out of me that even with going to the gym, even with watching what I eat, I can't break that number.  So obviously I'm not the biggest loser this week.  I guess I'll get over it, but for right now I just want to scream and wail and carry on like a child, screaming 'It's not fair, I hate you!!!!'. 

Yesterday morning was so beautiful, I wish I could have wrote about it as soon as it happened.  I forgot to take my picture for last week wednesday to go with my weigh in, so I decided to suit up and get it done Thursday morning, with mixed feelings about how it would go.  I figured, maybe I could zip my tight pants up just another notch, ya know, suck things in just a little more and get the zipper up halfway or something.  But, just like that I was able to zip them up all the way this week.  I was so happy with myself, so proud of myself, I bragged to everyone.  I was dancin' in my bare feet.  I felt like a million bucks.  I hadn't been able to fit into those pants in about two years, I mean, zip them up all the way and button them up, without having a muffin top.  I still had a little muffin top, but just to be able to zip them up and be comfortable.  It was a great motivational moment.  I'll be living that up all week.  And I can't wait to try them back on next week.  And then move backwards in time through my closet until I can fit into even my skinniest clothes.  And look like I'm back in high school again.  =-).  I'm so proud of my picture I'm going to put it up in my myspace profile too.  Everyone I talk to wants to see results.  But, man, this couldn't have come at a better time.  At just over two weeks I was already starting to lose my oomph.  There was a second helping of birthday cake at work the other day, actually made out of cupcakes, and I had half of one.  And then there was brownies that my brother made, and I had half of one.  And I had a high calorie granola bar when I was in a crunch.  I just kinda letting myself go.  But this is going to keep me on track.  Water and celery for me.  =-). And low sodium soup.  Well, at least I found a secret to pamper myself almost every day, as long as I use it in moderation.  Honey wheat pretzel sticks and frto lay salsa con queso dip.  Tastes almost like nachos and weighs in at just under 200 calories for both dip and pretzels per serving.  For anyone who reads this, it's a good tip.  My only other good tip for right now is be sure to double check the weights you're using before you start your first set.  I did a whole 10 reps of this one exercise, straining and sweating wondering why it's so hard to get through, and then I looked down and realized I was lifting about 10 lbs more than I was supposed to be.  And I just had to slap my own head for that.   

Lordy Lordy Lordy, this week has been hard on me.  Food temptation everywhere, so hard to resist.  So much more than last week.  Last week, I avoided places that tempted me, didn't invite any situations my way, and I was alright.  I mean, there was a lunch break pizza situation, cold and unappetizing, so it was easily overcome.  But this week was a whole other ball game.  Ice cream parlors, mac and cheese, the concession stand at the movie theater, and at work, someone had the nerve to tempt me with absolutely free birthday cake.  As I said in my intro, I'm a cashier, I work at a grocery store.  I am constantly surrounded by food.  Hot wings and cheesecake coming through the lines is just where it starts.  We are constantly presented with pot lucks and samples and left overs, and I always allowed myself to overindulge before.  But yesterday I had to over come a three teir birthday cake with tons of icing and fluffy vanilla cake, God, it had to be 30 lbs of cake.  And I had to sit and stare at it for a half an hour, without eating a bite.  I accomplished my feat and as a reward, I awarded myself two bites, not even an itzy bitzy slice, just two bites, so I wouldn't regret turning it down.  So I wouldn't feel deprived.  And I was proud of myself.  It took me calling someone on the phone and just clinging to my low carb pizza to over come it, but I didn't cave to my delerium, and that makes it all worth it.  And it worked, because, although half of it is probably it is probably muscle loss from not lifting weights in two days, and I do stand a chance of gaining it back prematurely, I did find myself this morning tipping the scales at just under 185.  So, just goes to show, week two and I'm still keeping it up.  And I took a challenge posted by another player to take the stairs whenever possible, instead of elevators.  Well, it's hard to find stairs in Florida, and I got tired of looking, so I actually tried a stair stepper at the gym.  It's not my first time on one.  I didn't look like an ass, but it was my first time on one in about 2 1/2 years.  I was pleasantly surprised.  It was easier than I thought it would be.  I did it for a full ten minutes at a moderate speed, and climbed 30 stories.  I thought my legs would give out in 3 min., but I found a surprising amount of stamina.  And the kicker was that I actually burned more calories on the stair stepper than I do on the tread mill, and I would definitely do it again.  So, that was a cool learning experience.  Ugh, I'm still having trouble finding a gym partner.  My brother's a lazy hmmhmmhmm, and my dad still prefers his own routine.  Still haven't seen anyone from work.  But, it's not stopping me.  And by the way, my dad said he did lose a pound this week.  He swears he's at 179 or something.  I don't know with his gut.  That must be the only thing on him that's disproportionate.  With me it's kind of an over all fatness, so in my eyes, I appear skinnier, even though I weigh slightly more.  Either way, I'm happy for him. We both deserve this.  And he supports me too, so I'm happy to see him onboard.  Though he did end up eating a small portion of that birthday cake I mentioned earlier.  I brought some home for my brother, as a treat, because he has no need to watch his weight.  And my brother ended up not being able to finish it.  And of course, not wanting it to go to waste, my dad, gobbled down the last few bites.  What a shame.  And it's pretty crazy when they actually show you the calorie counts on Biggest Loser for common food splurges among fat people.  I wonder how many calories he actually did consume.  How many grams of sugar.  I think that's the reason why whole pizza pies and birthday cakes don't come with calorie counts.  They don't want to shock people into having nightmares about their food intake.  I would like to see the hundred calorie portion at mcdonalds, of any mcdonalds food outside of the apple pie, and the walnut salad.  Maybe you could get away with a soft serve cone.  Or maybe some of it's competitors like KFC and Long John Silvers.  What on their menu could serve as decent meal?  Deep fried = deep trouble, that's for sure.  And even Chinese food, kinda bland with no potato products and a whole bunch of rice and veggies, but for some reason, all of it's bad for you.  And ya know, what's really sad about that.  People are using the used grease to fuel cars, now.  Think about that.  You're basically guzzling the equivalent to diesel.  Gross.  That can't be good.  Anyway, I have company and I have to allow them use of the computer, so blogging for today is up.  I may count this as week two's blog, I've just been so busy, keeping up with work and exercise.  Catch ya later. 

So, I weighed in and as you can see, I posted my numbers, looks pretty lame compared to everyone elses, I have to admit, I'd laugh if I saw that on someone elses site.  But, I know now that it's true what they say about muscle weighing more than fat, because I'm feeling it right now.  I mean, I think I lost more like 4 lbs of weight from dieting and cardio throughout the week, and then when I started strength training, I gained like at least 2 lbs back, in sheer muscle throughout my body.  Because when I started the week, I had nothing, no strength, no muscle.  After two days of working out my whole body.  I can litterally feel it, my muscle. I can feel it in my upper arms and my butt and my stomache, not only in the pain I'm feeling with every move, but if I take my index finger and poke at the muscles that I worked, I can actually feel them beneath the fat.  That's what I call results.  So, even though I'm not seeing the numbers on the scale, I may be fooling myself, but I swear I see some definition in the mirror, and I can definitely see where it could lead.  I've never built my muscles up this far, so I've never had the experience of knowing how muscle burns more calories than fat, but now I know how that statement is true.  It's because it takes 4 times the energy to lift yourself up out of the chair.  It's your body's own resistance training.  The muscle's so dense.  It's like having a sandbag tied to your arms.

The ups and the downs, where do I start?!  It's been a long week.  Definitely one to learn from.  On the whole it's gone ok.  Better than some diet challenges in the past, a little rockier than some, but ok.  I was doing really good until about Friday afternoon going into Saturday.  Of course the new year and the first week of good workouts had to deliver me into a world of unfortunate, unwanted, unneeded pain.  4 days into workout week number 1, my period struck. =-(.  Now I'm so blue.  Craving those chocolates, wanting to just colapse on the bed and rest for the whole day, feeling every last movement at the gym, but I'm continuing.  It's gonna happen, every four weeks like clockwork. =-P.  Lord, I love being a woman.  I mean, having a period does have it's ups, it means, I'm fertile and I'm not pregnant with a baby already, I'm not really ready for one right now, but, it's one of lifes little burdens.  Why does it have to be once a month, that's what I want to know?  Why can't we be like animals, with a whole seperate season for ya know, ovulating.  What makes us so special.  Well, anyway, all joking aside, and stepping down from my soap box now, the rest of the week has it's stories too.  As I just said, I started at the gym.  This is my first time having a formal membership.  So far it's working out great.  It's right across the street from where I work.  It's not far from where I live.  I don't have an excuse not to go...except for today, I'm skipping today because I'm just too overwhelmed with fatigue.  I have to conserve my energy for work tonight.  But I worked through the pain yesterday and the day before.  Dragged my brother along, even.  And I've found out, lot's of people I know go to that gym.  I know of at least 4 already.  So, I have more workout partners to work with besides my dad.  But like I said, everyone else goes there because they're fit and want to get toned, I can't work out with them.  I'd be dragging them down or killing myself.  So, I don't know how that's going to work out in the mean time.  I'm proud of myself for the work I've accomplished so far this week.  I'm eating right and I'm on the aerobics machines for at least 10 min. each, at least a half hour a day, and I'm burning about 300 calories every day.  Which is 300 more than I was burning previously, so I'm hoping it's going to show on the scale.  I'm just hoping the water weight from this weeks monsoon doesn't eclipse it and ruin my first weigh in.  I'll end the week plus .5 lbs.  Way to go me.  Lol.  Ok, time to report oon my dad.  Dad's doing ok.  He's floundering a little.  I wouldn't say I've completely given up on him, and I wouldn't say he's dragging me down in the least bit, but he's struggling.  He's not coming to the gym with me, he likes his walk around the block, adding 5 min. every week.  He's into his pedometer and Presidential Fit Club, so I don't bother him, it's what motivates him.  But, he's skipped like two days so far this week and I don't think he's watching what he's eating.  And my mom does not help, she's buying him chocolates and caramels and cooking up hot dogs and other fatty foods.  It's hard enough for me to tell her no, he doesn't want to waste the food or insult her, so he eats what she hands him.  He does eat healthy the rest of the day though, fruit and yogurt and peanut butter, and he drinks pleanty of water.  I'll work on him, see if we can make some progress with his diet.  I need him to lose weight for his health.  I do have a picture of him working out, that I'll upload today, so you can see that he is indeed pulling his weight, though.  I'm thankful he's in this with me.  Well, that's it for update number 1.  I'll contuinue to post every week.  Be faithful, both to my diet and to my blog.  Good luck to all who are in this with me.  I wish you all the best.  You can do anything you want to as long as your heart's in it,

Crystal